I did it.

When we knew we wanted another baby, I also knew that the best thing to do would be to go off my medications if possible. With full support of my doctor I stopped both my ADHD and Bipolar meds last December, and luckily got pregnant within a couple months. Thanks to a wonderfully supportive husband and understanding friends, I was able to stay relaxed and got through the pregnancy without the need for the meds, as well as the first 2 months postpartum.

But I've been having trouble. He's sleeping through the night, but daytimes have been overwhelming. Feeding schedule is erratic, situations with Oren at school have been stressful, and my house is ... well, not so good. And even though I really wanted to stay off for longer, I came to the realization while sitting on the couch staring at the mess in my living room: the toys and food crumbs, clothes, the view of the kitchen table we hadn't eaten at in a month because it was covered in junk, and the dishes that could take up a bathtub - and wanting to cry, that it was time to make the phone call.

I had done my research on the medication I was taking before, and only about 2% of the adult dose makes it into breastmilk. It's an anti-seizure drug, not an anti-psychotic, so it shouldn't cause any harm to Daniel. And I'm starting to think that the benefits to myself and my family definitely outweigh the risk. I'm going to keep nursing until my milk dries up (didn't take long with the others after they started sleeping through the night) because I already feel like such a failure in so many things thanks to the depressive episode I've been dealing with that I really need to keep doing the one thing I've been decent at. (I've gotten him, somehow, to eat sitting up about 75% of the time now. Not sure how!)

So I made the phone call this afternoon, and I go see my doctor on Thursday morning. I feel very relieved, that was a hard decision to make. Meds, plus an earlier bedtime, might just make all the difference.